Carla Ulbrich: Professional Smart Aleck


Professional Smart Aleck CD

Therapy Works

Carla Ulbrich
Carla Ulbrich


I dedicate this to my former shrink who "didn't have time to listen to my problems" and ended up in jail for Medicaid fraud.


I used to be leery of shrinks I thought psychologists were jerks But now look at me exhibit C Proof that therapy works Session One she asks me "Now where shall we start?" I said "I wish I were more together That feeling tears me apart I’m concerned I might be worrying too much And I can’t stop thinking about whether I’m obsessive Everybody thinks I’m paranoid Gank thod I’m not lysdexic" I used to be leery of shrinks I thought psychologists were jerks But now look at me exhibit C I’m proof that therapy works She says I should stop saying should And I said "Yeah you’re right. I should. But I can’t stop saying can’t." She said "Now never say never." I said… "I never would" One of these days I’m going to stop procrastinating I put it on my list every day But I seriously doubt I can stop being negative I mean what’s the point of that anyway? She gets 90 bucks an hour And more than a couple perks But I carry no resentment ‘cause I’m proof that therapy works I have shown so much improvement I am sure I’m on the mend ‘Cause I have stopped repeating myself Over and over and over again Ad nauseum redundantly Repeatedly without end… And I no longer constantly exaggerate Every single thing all of the time And I have ceased endless rambling in run-on sentences that make no sense and that no one seems to care about except maybe me and even that is sometimes questionable and I watch as people’s eyes glaze over as if they had been up for 3 days straight studying for an exam or maybe driving all night because they forgot to reserve a hotel room and they were in Florida and they were afraid to pull over and take a nap because they had just read Flannery O’Connor’s "A Good Man is Hard to Find" But of all I’ve overcome so far Of this I am most proud: I no longer need to discuss my problems In the presence of a crowd Yes I’m ever so much better now It drives my jealous friends berserk Get a sliding scale fee you can be like me Proof that therapy works